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Tom McLaughlin
Tom McLaughlin

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Published in

MuddyUm

·Jul 3

The Banana Strictly Forbids Public Haberdashery at K-Mart

There were problems with the monkey suit — The sign read ‘Free Covid Tests’ in bold black permanent marker and was taped with pale yellow masking tape in the windows of the abandoned K-Mart. It gave off serious white van ‘Free Candy’ vibes. I already felt awkward about getting roped into returning my roommate’s furry costume. …

Satire

4 min read

The Banana Strictly Forbids Public Haberdashery at K-Mart
The Banana Strictly Forbids Public Haberdashery at K-Mart
Satire

4 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Apr 5

Hottubs and Llamas

My near-casting in a fetish porn — Normally, I welcome the dulcet tones of the daily congregated retired farmers at the Kwik E Mart. I overheard someone say, “What the fuck‘s wrong with the Bills?” …

Satire

5 min read

Hottubs and Llamas
Hottubs and Llamas
Satire

5 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Feb 1

Cows! Cows! Cows!

Vince Neil looks really sexy in overalls — I saw a milk cow in a g-string yesterday. I almost ran off the road pondering how much fabric is enough before it is no longer skimpy. The billboard had begged my attention. It said — Jerry’s Strip Club — Hwy 40 Ext 320 — Come to the ‘Back-strip,’ stay…

Satire

3 min read

Cows! Cows! Cows!
Cows! Cows! Cows!
Satire

3 min read


Published in

Blow Your Stack

·Dec 6, 2022

Existential Angst of the Middle-Aged Middle-American

We are all stinking piles of trash — One thing that pisses me off most in the world is how special we think we are as humans. It would be easy to bring up Karens and be done with it, but I really think this sense of entitlement is ingrained in all Americans. …

Rant

3 min read

Existential Angst of a Middle-Aged Middle-American
Existential Angst of a Middle-Aged Middle-American
Rant

3 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Dec 1, 2022

Never Listen to Nick Nolte on How to Act While Wearing a Chicken Suit

The deer uprising has begun — Standing in the lobby in my chicken costume reading Chik-Fil-A’s recipes and other pro-carnivore diatribes in sing-songy bible verse tones, simultaneously handing out pamphlets for my uncle Parker’s timeshare in the Ozarks. He’s not looking to get rid of it, he’s just a recluse — and a dick. He hates…

Humor

4 min read

Never Listen to Nick Nolte On How to Act While Wearing a Chicken Suit
Never Listen to Nick Nolte On How to Act While Wearing a Chicken Suit
Humor

4 min read


Published in

Fuck Niches

·Nov 29, 2022

Well, Stuff Me and Call Me Jason Mimosa

I swear — I love my wife — My wife threatened to drop me off at the mega-hardware store. I knew it to not be an idle threat. I had just said Jason ‘Mimosa’ — her pronunciation, not mine — sucked as Aquaman. I told her that was fine because I ironically fit in at hardware stores. My…

Humor

4 min read

Well, Stuff Me and Call Me Jason Mimosa
Well, Stuff Me and Call Me Jason Mimosa
Humor

4 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Oct 31, 2022

I Was A Damn Good Taco Slut

Misadventures in taco filching — I worked at a fast food place renowned for its consumables that inspire rapid-fire gastrointestinal expulsion. Their obvious corner of the butthole cleansing market is what has kept them the Big Dick Corporation they are today. I had no experience in the world of fast food so, among other responsibilities…

Satire

2 min read

I Was A Damn Good Taco Slut
I Was A Damn Good Taco Slut
Satire

2 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Oct 29, 2022

Gassy Teslas and Tweaker Entrepreneurs

And one about a bear — Allegations that a number of Teslas caused accidents while insentient are nothing new. While fielding questions at the What Else Can I Stick My Nose Into — Seriously, Dude conference, Musk said “What you should be worried about is when they go into Karen mode.” As if he could now…

Satire

3 min read

Gassy Teslas and Tweaker Entrepreneurs
Gassy Teslas and Tweaker Entrepreneurs
Satire

3 min read


Published in

Fuck Niches

·Oct 21, 2022

Is it drafty in here? — are my pants down again?

Write — right? — Ideas Am I right? My drafts folder is where my brain takes a dump. I have too many drafts in my drafts folder. Organizationally, it’s a fucking nightmare. I have a document I have in my Drive of ideas. …

Humor

3 min read

Is it drafty in here? — are my pants down again?
Is it drafty in here? — are my pants down again?
Humor

3 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Oct 18, 2022

Screw Viagra: Here’s How Bobcat Goldthwait Will Increase Your Sex Drive

— and kill your love for baseball — Back when I was able to have friends, my wife and our friends were seated at one of the front tables of the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa. Bobcat was commenting on how he gets during sex, namely when he’s on top. I laughed longer and louder than everyone…

Satire

2 min read

Screw Viagra: Here’s How Bobcat Goldthwait Will Increase Your Sex Drive
Screw Viagra: Here’s How Bobcat Goldthwait Will Increase Your Sex Drive
Satire

2 min read

Tom McLaughlin

Tom McLaughlin

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It's story time! https://www.wattpad.com/user/Vulturewriter

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