My near-casting in a fetish porn — Normally, I welcome the dulcet tones of the daily congregated retired farmers at the Kwik E Mart. I overheard someone say, “What the fuck‘s wrong with the Bills?” …

Vince Neil looks really sexy in overalls — I saw a milk cow in a g-string yesterday. I almost ran off the road pondering how much fabric is enough before it is no longer skimpy. The billboard had begged my attention. It said — Jerry’s Strip Club — Hwy 40 Ext 320 — Come to the ‘Back-strip,’ stay…

We are all stinking piles of trash — One thing that pisses me off most in the world is how special we think we are as humans. It would be easy to bring up Karens and be done with it, but I really think this sense of entitlement is ingrained in all Americans. …

The deer uprising has begun — Standing in the lobby in my chicken costume reading Chik-Fil-A’s recipes and other pro-carnivore diatribes in sing-songy bible verse tones, simultaneously handing out pamphlets for my uncle Parker’s timeshare in the Ozarks. He’s not looking to get rid of it, he’s just a recluse — and a dick. He hates…

I swear — I love my wife — My wife threatened to drop me off at the mega-hardware store. I knew it to not be an idle threat. I had just said Jason ‘Mimosa’ — her pronunciation, not mine — sucked as Aquaman. I told her that was fine because I ironically fit in at hardware stores. My…

Misadventures in taco filching — I worked at a fast food place renowned for its consumables that inspire rapid-fire gastrointestinal expulsion. Their obvious corner of the butthole cleansing market is what has kept them the Big Dick Corporation they are today. I had no experience in the world of fast food so, among other responsibilities…

And one about a bear — Allegations that a number of Teslas caused accidents while insentient are nothing new. While fielding questions at the What Else Can I Stick My Nose Into — Seriously, Dude conference, Musk said “What you should be worried about is when they go into Karen mode.” As if he could now…

Write — right? — Ideas Am I right? My drafts folder is where my brain takes a dump. I have too many drafts in my drafts folder. Organizationally, it’s a fucking nightmare. I have a document I have in my Drive of ideas. …

— and kill your love for baseball — Back when I was able to have friends, my wife and our friends were seated at one of the front tables of the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa. Bobcat was commenting on how he gets during sex, namely when he’s on top. I laughed longer and louder than everyone…