We are all stinking piles of trash — One thing that pisses me off most in the world is how special we think we are as humans. It would be easy to bring up Karens and be done with it, but I really think this sense of entitlement is ingrained in all Americans. …

The deer uprising has begun — Standing in the lobby in my chicken costume reading Chik-Fil-A’s recipes and other pro-carnivore diatribes in sing-songy bible verse tones, simultaneously handing out pamphlets for my uncle Parker’s timeshare in the Ozarks. He’s not looking to get rid of it, he’s just a recluse — and a dick. …

I swear — I love my wife — My wife threatened to drop me off at the mega-hardware store. I knew it to not be an idle threat. I had just said Jason ‘Mimosa’ — her pronunciation, not mine — sucked as Aquaman. I told her that was fine because I ironically fit in at hardware stores. My…

Misadventures in taco filching — I worked at a fast food place renowned for its consumables that inspire rapid-fire gastrointestinal expulsion. Their obvious corner of the butthole cleansing market is what has kept them the Big Dick Corporation they are today. I had no experience in the world of fast food so, among other responsibilities…

— and kill your love for baseball — Back when I was able to have friends, my wife and our friends were seated at one of the front tables of the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa. Bobcat was commenting on how he gets during sex, namely when he’s on top. I laughed longer and louder than everyone…

I smile at people so I don’t have to talk to them — Why do people think others give a shit about their opinion? I had just sat down across from my wife in Panera. A table of ten was in the process of leaving and some diverted their path. I notice an older gentleman standing amongst them. He made a few steps…

Hacks — Soulless Searching Is it wrong that I derive comfort from people screaming? I watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre just to have it for background for when I write. The instrumental music I listen to is hard and grinding. Screaming, indiscriminate and painful. I’m not exactly worried, I just acknowledge that I have anger…