I swear — I love my wife — My wife threatened to drop me off at the mega-hardware store. I knew it to not be an idle threat. I had just said Jason ‘Mimosa’ — her pronunciation, not mine — sucked as Aquaman. I told her that was fine because I ironically fit in at hardware stores. My…

Misadventures in taco filching — I worked at a fast food place renowned for its consumables that inspire rapid-fire gastrointestinal expulsion. Their obvious corner of the butthole cleansing market is what has kept them the Big Dick Corporation they are today. I had no experience in the world of fast food so, among other responsibilities…

— and kill your love for baseball — Back when I was able to have friends, my wife and our friends were seated at one of the front tables of the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa. Bobcat was commenting on how he gets during sex, namely when he’s on top. I laughed longer and louder than everyone…

I smile at people so I don’t have to talk to them — Why do people think others give a shit about their opinion? I had just sat down across from my wife in Panera. A table of ten was in the process of leaving and some diverted their path. I notice an older gentleman standing amongst them. He made a few steps…

Hacks — Soulless Searching Is it wrong that I derive comfort from people screaming? I watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre just to have it for background for when I write. The instrumental music I listen to is hard and grinding. Screaming, indiscriminate and painful. I’m not exactly worried, I just acknowledge that I have anger…

They'll ruin your life — I hate s’mores. It’s a layered thing. There was never a time when I said, “This is the perfect s’more.” I have never wanted s’more s’mores. At the very least, I expected more out of the treat. …

—With hearts of gold — Missed my turn at Albuquerque The above picture was found on Unsplash. A perfectly innocent picture of a beaver in its habitat. Right? Sure. But when I found the image, I wasn’t searching for ‘beavers,’ but ‘whore.’ …